Hi all.

At first, English is not my native language and my story will be long because I would like to make everything as clear as possible to reduce guessing and follow-up questions, so please bear with me.

I’m 36 old man. I haven’t had sex or long lasting relationships yet for the reasons I’ll explain.

I have various incurable health issues since birth and when I was working hard at a farm with some hope to get stronger muscles, I got hiatal hernia instead.

I had emotionally distant mother. In general, she was helpful and did care for me, but for some reason she did not enjoy hugging. So I was hugging my grandma instead. Also I had father with alcohol addiction. He had weak personality, my mom had to be the strong one who controlled everything in our family. I’m not sure whether it was genetic or psychological, but for some reason I developed so called “father hunger”. I played games where I imagined that I've found another father, strong, intelligent, loving. Sometimes I switched the roles and imagined myself being the father who finds his lost son.

Then school years came. I had a crush on a girl, and she was the first to show her feelings for me. We spent almost every day together, we had deep conversations, romantic moments. We both were jealous each time when one of us mentioned another girl or boy. We were like soulmates but more than that.

School years were tough for me, I got bullied for my bad vision and weak body. Sometimes I got beaten up. Although in general I’m emotional and nervous guy, I have used to keep my largest pains inside. But I needed some comfort, and as I was not comfortable with boys, I started communicating with girls more – they just felt more familiar, peaceful. I did not have serious relations, I just had fun conversations about stuff. But after some years, I found that actually some guys in our class are ok to talk to and have fun together, so I slowly “switched sides” to the level where I can communicate with both girls and boys equally well, although I myself don’t feel quite belonging to one of the sides.

Then my girl moved to another town. And about the same time I discovered something disastrous. My “father hunger” seemed to have turned into sexual attraction for older men; at least 20 years older and with specific traits (especially with suits and beards). I decided that it’s no big deal and I could live with that and maybe that will go away. But there was another issue – I did not have sexual attraction for girls. So, when my girl moved, I did not pursuit my love for her. I clearly saw some signs from her side, that she would like to be more than romantic friends, but I could not give it to her. It was painful.

I have never dreamed or fantasized about "usual" sexual turn-ons which seem to be norm for others (no matter, hetero or homo) - naked body, genitals, muscles - all these things are completely unimportant for me, no matter male or female. It seems, I'm turned on only by some abstract fantasy of a "real man", with emphasis being on facial features which demonstrate authority and intelligence. The fantasy man drives me up only when in his clothes, but when I see him naked, my "desire" fades away.

Also, I haven't seen dreams of actually having sex. It usually is enough to see the man, get close to him, then I feel sexual arousal, but I don't want to do anything more with it, hugging and emotional overwhelming is enough. In some cases when it is not enough, the dream continues with me trying to completely absorb this man and become like him.

It seems, I'm driven by desire to change myself into someone else and be "one of them". When I dig deeper in my subconscious, I almost have a feeling that these kind of men know some "secret of manhood" - how to be a real man and love women.

When I imagine myself older, with a beard and in a suit, I’m also feeling sexual arousal. It might mean I have a fetish on man's clothes in combination with specific facial features, social status and behavior.

Sometimes I get ejaculations also when having a scary dream (e.g. falling of a cliff).
So, currently my only sexual attractions bring dark, unpleasant feelings about wanting to be someone else or about something gone terribly wrong.

On the other hand, I find some girls attractive, I pay attention mostly to facial features, body is not that important.

I fantasize being close to a girl, slightly smaller than me, with sincere smile, with eyes which are kind and deep and hide some mystery (maybe inner world or some past painful experiences similar to mine), being romantic with her, cuddling, hugging, protecting her, having deep conversations, being playful, sharing evenings in the same bed.

I have been kissed by men and women, sometimes in romantic sense, sometimes just a friendly kiss, and I always wanted to clean it away.

I guess, I could continue living alone, although I would really like to find someone. With a gay man I would feel like a weak child with low self-esteem always looking for protection ("father hunger"). With a woman I don't have such intense sexual desire and I don't want to actually have sex, it feels physically unclean to me. But I really emotionally and passionately enjoy being closely together with a woman of "my type". I just cannot imagine having such deep bonds with a man, especially much older than me - I doubt we would have lots of common interests and points of view. And I haven't yet met such a guy man in my life, I have only seen straight men who trigger my "almost sexual" dreams. The chances of finding a woman I want seem to be much greater, but I'm not sure how it would work if I don't enjoy being with her in sexual sense.

What are your thoughts on this? Am I completely screwed up?

Martinicus, first let me welcome you to Apositive and assure you that your English is excellent.
There are native speakers who can't write as clearly as you have.

Your situation is a new one for me. I'm going to think about it, do some research, and add some more comments later, but in the meantime I hope that some of our other members will be willing to offer some input if they have any ideas.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

Also, one more thing which makes me wonder about if I'm homosexual or just have a fetish, is that my sexual turn-ons are really selective. I feel attraction for the old men but I'm completely turned off by thoughts of being together in romantic or sexual sense with guys of other ages or without the "turn-on" traits. I once was kissed by a school mate on a forehead and it felt so weird and gross, like trying to be romantic with your brother or sister, brr... Can sexual orientation be that selective to exclude almost everyone except those with specific turn-on features?

When digging deeper about the motivations of my desire for specific men with specific features, it seems the closest term I can think of is "secret of manhood". I have a strange feeling that these kinds of men know some "special secret" how to be a real man which I myself could gain when fusing with them. When I meet a similar man in real life and have the attraction, usually it fades away after I have been with this men together for enough time for my subconsciousness to discover that he has no such "secret" and he has his own weaknesses and we are similar in multiple ways.

With girls it's similar but in different way - I have romantic turn-ons (a girl smaller than me, looking natural, simple, warm) which make me want to hug a girl, to stroke her hear, to make her feel protected and warm and saying love words, to make her pleased in every way I possibly can, but most importantly - for receiving affirmations of me being "a real man" for her, because such affirmations get me closer to the feeling of "knowing the secret of manhood" and "being one of them". If all of these romantic turn-ons happen to coincide together, then I might be able to make my "thing" (with some help of my hands), but I do not feel sexual attraction at the level I feel for my "men fantasies".

I found something useful today:

Am I still asexual if I have kinks or fetishes and experience arousal and enjoyment during sexual activity involving those kinks and fetishes? (But do not want sex otherwise.)
Yes. Some asexuals are kinky. Kinks can be carried out without sex in the picture, or they can involve sexuality. Either way, if an asexual has a kink or fetish, that doesn’t mean they’re sexually attracted to other people. This goes back to being aroused or having a sex drive that’s disconnected from others. Kinky asexuals may get turned on by their kinks, but it’s their kinks that arouse them, not anyone they’re playing with. Many kinky aces describe not experiencing any pleasure, arousal, or enthusiasm for sexual situations that do not include their kink, even if they are aroused/pleasured by sexuality involving their kink.

So, that is a close match for me. I have a kink on specific clothing, facial features and behavior which leads me to specific emotions (non-romantic) but I don't have sexual attraction to a person when I remove all of those turn-ons.

Example: I see a man with all the turn-on features. I feel some arousal. Then I have a thought - but sometimes he gets naked and shaves his beard... and he was younger some years ago and looked and behaved differently... poof, sexual arousal vanishes in an instant and even turns into repulsion.

That makes sense on a lot of levels.
Here's a thought: Have you ever tried to make your own image match the image that you find compelling? I mean, with the clothes and facial hair and etc?
If you did, what do you think would happen? Or if you have, what happened?

I have used an image editor to add beard, some wrinkles and a bit more solid body (I'm thin) to my head. Also I have seen dreams where I look at a mirror and see the face of a man I would like to become one day. All those activities make me sexually aroused. Also, in those rare occasions when have to wear a suit (it's not that often) I have "interesting" feelings - I feel more masculine and powerful, but also I have to be careful to avoid fantasies and erection - it would look very awkward for people around me, I guess

But unfortunately such activities do not make me feel sexual desire for women.

I have a vague idea that maybe one day when I will be older, my subconscious will feel that "the goal is reached" and will turn the fetish off, but I'm not sure if that will also turn on sexual desire for women, and I don't want to wait that long.

Also recently I tried some fantasies to combine my romantic interests with the "fetish". It was like this. I imagine being with a woman, slightly smaller than me, with sincere smile, with eyes which are kind and deep and hide some mystery (maybe some past painful experiences similar to mine). Then I imagine her saying "You are my man, I want you and I accept you as you are, with all your issues and problems", my emotions go up and I feel intense desire to be with her and to please her in every way possible. Then I imagine her naked but wearing my suit jacket as a sign of her acceptance of me being her man. This gives me a sexual boost and I have erection for like 15 minutes. But still I don't have any desire to put my "thing" in her hole, and also thinking about her body fluids (even kissing) seems kinda repulsive to me. I think of her body as of something beautiful and nice to touch, but nothing more happens. And that's my usual reaction to every woman I've met.

Recently I did hormone tests - testosterone, albumin, SHBG. Everything is almost right in the middle of the normal reference interval.

It is perfectly possible that you could be asexual, and asexuals are interesting because statistically they are much more likely to be attracted to people based purely on their character or interests, etc, rather than their sex, and that attraction is not sexual in nature. It can be intellectual or emotional, and it can be quite strong, but the desire to have sex simply isn't there. Asexuals can also have fetishes, and those that don't involve actual sex are not uncommon.
Also, a surprising percentage of asexuals have gender-variant identities. I'm not sure if that fits you, precisely, but it's interesting to me.

Thanks, KAGU143, that makes sense.

For some time I suspected that my generally low sexual drive is caused by hormones, but now when I have the test results I know that everything is ok in that area.

So, I guess you are right, I can define myself as asexual romantic (but with a "kink" which could be considered homosexual by others, but is not sexual by its nature and most probably is related to my low self esteem and unhealthy childhood relationships with my father).

Of course, these issues make it complicated for me to find a long term partner, but at least it's good to know what to look for - a person (most probably, a woman, but who knows...), with whom I want to spend a lifetime together just to have fun and deep love beyond physical