Don't knock it til you try it!

For discussion of general issues pertaining to asexuality.
User avatar
ghosts
Regular Member
Posts: 188
Joined: 05 Jan 2008, 06:59

Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ghosts » 04 Mar 2009, 06:27

Yes, I am totally starting up a topic that's kind of happening on AVEN right now. Maybe partly because I'm frustrated - lately, I've really just been frustrated with AVEN, haven't I? Ah well.

This is about the idea that asexuals couldn't know if they're asexual (or if they want sex) until they've had it. I don't think that's fair for people to say - for the most part, people tend to know whether they experience sexual attraction or sexual desire without having had sex. Telling that to an asexual person can be condescending & hurtful.

However, I also think that it's not entirely unreasonable for people to feel that a person might find sex enjoyable after having tried it. Because asexuality isn't about liking sex, right? I'm asexual. I don't experience sexual attraction. Before I had sex, I didn't think it was all that appealing - seemed kind of weird, & I really didn't have any desire for it. After getting into a relationship with someone that I was really comfortable with, I had sex with them. And lo & behold, it was actually something that could be fun & enjoyable for me. I liked it. I didn't stop being asexual - I just became an asexual who liked sex.

I realize there is maybe some danger here, in that this could lead to people telling asexuals that unless they truly know whether they like it or not, they can't identify as asexual. Which is BS. But I also think it would be pretty bad if the opinion within the asexual community became one in which asexuals just always automatically know whether or not they'll like sex. Because that's just so rigid! If people don't want to try sex, than that's absolutely fine! But there are asexuals out there who might (& who will) find themselves in sexual relationships someday, & if they can't at least go into the situation with an open & positive attitude about sex, how miserable could that make them? I think that could prevent asexual people from exploring their own feelings & likes & dislikes. I definitely think it's possible for an asexual person's opinion about sex to change after having had it.

Maybe the "Don't knock it til you try it" saying doesn't apply to this situation as much as I originally thought it could. But I have to admit that whenever I see overly negative opinions about sex coming from people who have never had it, that's what I tend to think to myself.

User avatar
Dargon
Mega Member
Posts: 516
Joined: 26 Jan 2008, 16:34

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Dargon » 04 Mar 2009, 08:45

Much as you have said, there is a difference between not experiencing sexual attraction and not liking sexual intercourse.

Sexual attraction pertains to finding someone desirable in such a way that you would like to engage in sexual activity with them. Enjoying sex happens once the activity is taking place. And to be honest, it makes sense that an asexual could enjoy sex. Odds are the systems that make the activity physically pleasurable work in sexuals and asexuals alike, and making someone happy (ie your sexual partner) tends to make you happy.

In another topic on this board, there was mention of a gay man married to a straight woman. They have and enjoy sex together. I am sure that while the man may not even be sexually attracted to the woman, he is still able to get the same physical and emotional pleasure out of sex as she does from him.

Going into relationships a bit, but it seems to me that one of the exciting parts of any relationship is exploring each others likes and dislikes, as well as boundaries. It could be something as simple as a friend who has never ridden a roller coaster riding with another friend, it could be something more like an intimate couple trying some kinky new thing in the bedroom, and in a sexual/asexual relationship, it could be trying just foreplay. It may very well be the person won't like the baby steps and thus never makes it to the big event, but setting that wall at the first baby step seems a bit restrictive.

Sorry to hear that AVEN is still a source of frustration.

User avatar
Gadfly-in-Chief
Established Member
Posts: 65
Joined: 05 Jan 2008, 07:06

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Gadfly-in-Chief » 04 Mar 2009, 09:35

Orientation does not equal, and does not invariably predict, behavior.

Last time I looked, the masturbation poll on AVEN indicated that about two thirds of the avenisti who replied enjoyed a good wank as much as anyone else (although I have always suspected that asexuals who enjoy a good wank enjoy it quite a bit more than the other-oriented do). So the capacity for enjoying sexual activity is certainly there. I see no contradiction in a person who experiences no sexual attraction to another person enjoying sexual activity with the right other person in the right circumstances. And it would not surprise me if some asexuals, all other things being equal, enjoyed sex with another person more than a sexual might, in parallel to my surmise that some asexuals enjoy a good wank more than many sexuals might.

I had a friend when I lived in northern Virginia who described himself, in the presence of his wife and adult children, as a happily married gay man. That also makes perfect sense to me.
Yes, the unexamined life is not worth living. But as a student of logic, you must realize that this does not imply that the examined life is.

User avatar
ghosts
Regular Member
Posts: 188
Joined: 05 Jan 2008, 06:59

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ghosts » 04 Mar 2009, 12:47

Yeah, AVEN can be frustrating at times... Ah well.

I'm glad you guys have mentioned the possibility of something like a gay man enjoying sex with a woman. Why not? Unless they're so turned off by it that it probably wouldn't be enjoyable (I know some people like that). But I get the feeling it's pretty taboo to even suggest that a straight person might still be straight & yet still might be able to enjoy gay sex, or vice versa. I don't think it's invalidating their identity to suggest that it could be possible, & it also doesn't mean that they're obligated to go out & try it *ever*.

User avatar
ily
Regular Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 24 Jan 2008, 16:55

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ily » 04 Mar 2009, 17:46

If you like sex, then obviously asexuality isn't about liking sex in your case. But if someone doesn't like sex, that may fold into asexuality in their situation. As for me, I don't say that I'll never have sex. I'm open to the possibility, but I'm also realistic: In my current life, it isn't going to happen. I doubt sex is something that will ever just "come up" for me. Getting to the point of having sex with someone would take a lot of effort, patience, strategy, etc. I'm not willing to put in all that work just to try it out.

There are also some elements that are pretty inherent to sex, like being touched a lot by others, that most people know if they like or not. I think we sometimes make out sex to be this rare thing that's unrelated to any other activity, but I'm not so sure if that's the case. We extrapolate from our own experiences all the time. Should sex be any different?

User avatar
ghosts
Regular Member
Posts: 188
Joined: 05 Jan 2008, 06:59

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ghosts » 05 Mar 2009, 04:12

I do understand what you're saying. But I didn't suggest that asexual people go out & try having sex just to try it. If they're not interested in having it, then there's no reason for them to try it out - not even to see if maybe, just maybe, they might enjoy it. I just don't want people to think that sex is something that they'd never be able to enjoy just because they're asexual & don't see any appeal in it at the moment. It's possible to find that you like it after trying it.

And I do see your point - if you're a person who doesn't like to be touched, chances are, you're not going to like sex because there's a lot of touching involved. I think we can safely relate some activities to sex to get a general idea of whether a person could enjoy it or not. But regardless, I still get frustrated whenever I see the "Sex is gross, degrading, etc" comments from people who have never had it.

And I should also add that I hated being touched when I was younger, up until my later teen years. I *never* thought I'd be in a sexual situation, ever. But then, I met some people who were really physically affectionate & I grew into it, & one of my relationships gradually became sexual. I don't mean to say that just because all this happened to me, you'll also find yourself in a sexual relationship someday, or everyone who doesn't like being touched will one day like it. But, for some people, it is possible, you know? Even if you think it'll never happen. The main reason I wanted to talk about all of this, though, is because I do think it's important for asexual people to remain open to the idea that sex can be something that can be enjoyable, even for asexuals. And not because every asexual should expect to find themselves in a sexual situation someday, or should be constantly questioning their identities (because I don't think this idea needs to lead to people questioning their identities), but because some asexual people *will* have sex someday. And if we're all told that we all know how we're gonna feel about sex before we have it, & that if you don't like the idea of sex or find it weird, then you won't change your mind after having it, that puts some people in a rough spot if they do end up having sex someday. I just want the community to remain open to this sort of thing, so people like me don't feel weird - but I also don't want asexuals in general to feel like they need to prove anything by gong out & having sex. I just don't think sex is something that people necessarily know exactly how they're gonna feel about it before having it.

User avatar
ily
Regular Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 24 Jan 2008, 16:55

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ily » 05 Mar 2009, 08:05

Aah, the internet ate my brilliant post! :'(

Anyway, of course, I don't think you're suggesting that people randomly try sex, ghosts. Maybe we need to find some way to put across this point that doesn't sound so much like what family and friends who don't understand tell us. Because we do understand, but if you say something that sounds too much like what people have heard before, maybe they have an emotional reaction and don't listen. Is that what happened on AVEN?

User avatar
Puppy
New Member
Posts: 37
Joined: 19 Jan 2008, 23:19

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Puppy » 05 Mar 2009, 08:09

Thanks ghosts for putting my thoughts on writing. :D :D

I didn't stop being asexual - I just became an asexual who liked sex.

That is what I've tried to explain in AVEN a few times. Last time I got something like "Don't you understand how your saying sex isn't gross makes us others feel rejected in (our save haven) AVEN?" (Couldn't find the thread to quote directly) Apparently typing the word sex in AVEN isn't seen as appropriate by some people... :roll:

User avatar
ghosts
Regular Member
Posts: 188
Joined: 05 Jan 2008, 06:59

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ghosts » 05 Mar 2009, 08:27

ily wrote:Aah, the internet ate my brilliant post! :'(

Anyway, of course, I don't think you're suggesting that people randomly try sex, ghosts. Maybe we need to find some way to put across this point that doesn't sound so much like what family and friends who don't understand tell us. Because we do understand, but if you say something that sounds too much like what people have heard before, maybe they have an emotional reaction and don't listen. Is that what happened on AVEN?

Maybe... I haven't checked that thread yet today. I guess I just feel like I've been misunderstood on AVEN lately when I've been saying things (wah wah, boo hoo, & all that ;)). I'm not sure how else to word it, though. Does my post sound pretty bad or something? Just curious if I'm coming across the wrong way...

Puppy wrote:Thanks ghosts for putting my thoughts on writing. :D :D

I didn't stop being asexual - I just became an asexual who liked sex.

That is what I've tried to explain in AVEN a few times. Last time I got something like "Don't you understand how your saying sex isn't gross makes us others feel rejected in (our save haven) AVEN?" (Couldn't find the thread to quote directly) Apparently typing the word sex in AVEN isn't seen as appropriate by some people... :roll:

I can imagine that would have been frustrating (& I definitely get frustrated by these kinds of things too).

I'm sorry I'm being whiny about AVEN, especially on another public forum. But... meh. Sometimes you need to vent.

User avatar
ily
Regular Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 24 Jan 2008, 16:55

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ily » 05 Mar 2009, 11:00

Nah, it doesn't sound bad. As one of those "I know I won't like sex" people who also agrees with what you're saying, I'm just trying to get inside those peoples' heads a bit, try to see why the misunderstanding occured. One issue with AVEN is that it has such a wide scope: People can vent about random stuff, but it's also the only place to go for comprehensive information on asexuality. Sometimes, I do worry that peoples' venting on certain topics could leave newbies with a wrong impression. But sadly (and I mean this), saying something like "people should think about what they're saying before posting on the internet" is probably a lost cause. 8|

Isaac
Established Member
Posts: 52
Joined: 18 Jan 2009, 04:44

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Isaac » 05 Mar 2009, 11:51

Gadfly-in-Chief wrote:(although I have always suspected that asexuals who enjoy a good wank enjoy it quite a bit more than the other-oriented do)

I also think so. Our drive is fully satisfied with a good wank, theirs doesn't.

User avatar
ghosts
Regular Member
Posts: 188
Joined: 05 Jan 2008, 06:59

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ghosts » 05 Mar 2009, 11:55

Edited: Because, while the venting felt good, I think it was too whiny. Sorry. ;)

User avatar
Dargon
Mega Member
Posts: 516
Joined: 26 Jan 2008, 16:34

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Dargon » 06 Mar 2009, 10:56

Much stuff happened while I was out, where to start...

Ghosts, your post does not sound like you are saying "you need yo try it;" it doesn't sound like, as ily said" what people who don't understand would say. I fully understand your wanting to vent about how AVEN treats asexuals who have had or actively have sex. With the antisexual sentiment that drove me from that godforsaken hellhole, I can only imagine the flack you get for saying "asexuals can have sex and still be asexual."

<-Has had the word "sex" censored when quoted on AVEN

Anyhow, I'll discontinue bitching about AVEN and get back on topic.

I think we pretty much have a consensus here that liking sex is possible for asexuals, but it is possible to know that you won't (ie already not liking being touched). And I think the consensus here is that the activity vs sexuality distinction is important. It's a shame that some people misconstrue this into an attack on their sexuality.

User avatar
ghosts
Regular Member
Posts: 188
Joined: 05 Jan 2008, 06:59

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ghosts » 07 Mar 2009, 06:02

I just feel out of place there sometimes, & like things I've said lately are being misunderstood. Not by everyone, of course, so I probably shouldn't complain, but sometimes when I go there & read the responses I feel like I'm saying awful awful things to people. But then I feel like people just aren't listening to me (or, reading what I'm writing, I guess?). Meh - maybe I can be accused of doing the same thing at times, I don't know. I don't necessarily get flack for saying that asexuals can like sex, because others have said the same thing. It's more about claims of who's being victimized/more oppressed (although that sounds a bit dramatic), even on AVEN. It's certainly not everyone, but sometimes I can feel overwhelmed when I go there, & then I get frustrated.

I'm just sick of feeling like I have to watch what I say in case I offend anyone - something that I try not to do, & have apologized for many times if I've inadvertently said something that can be read the wrong way - while it seems some of the same people who are offended won't take the steps to see how they might be offending me or others like me.

And I always feel like I'm being melodramatic whenever I complain about AVEN - it's just the internet, after all! Oh well.

Basically - people should have sex if they want to try it. If they don't want to have sex, they shouldn't try it. Some people may know whether or not they'll like it before they try it, but I think it's also safe to say that many people won't exactly know how they'll feel about it until they try it - that was the case for me. I don't believe that everyone is like me, of course, so I don't think this will apply to everyone - but I don't think I'm alone in this either. So all I want is an open attitude about it in the asexual community.

pretzelboy
Regular Member
Posts: 238
Joined: 21 Jan 2008, 16:15

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby pretzelboy » 07 Mar 2009, 09:43

This is a matter I've had an opinion on for a while, but it's one I've felt I should keep to myself; I don't like being controversial or challenging the staus quo unless its a status quo I think is particularly bad (rather than merely disagreeing with it.) But since someone else brought the issue up, I guess I'll chime in.

I've actually long been skeptical of the validity of people's analogies about how they can know that they won't like sex even without trying. People often think that they won't like something (i.e. some kind of food) but find out that they do when they actually try it. With sex, things are a bit more complicated because, as I understand it, sexual desire is a really big part of enjoying sex. But I highly doubt that people's attempting to imagine what they think sex would be like is a as reliable an indicator of how they would actually experience it as many people in the asexual community assume.

I've read that there are plenty of people who find some sexual act repulsive, even to think about. However, after doing it a few times, find that they can like it. The context I read this in dealt with sexual people trying out different kinds of sexual things, but the point remains valid: our imaginations are not always reliable indicators of what we will think of things. (Our imaginations don't tend to be reliable indicators of what things will be like in most situations, so I don't see why sex should be different.)

On the other hand, the people going around saying, "Don't knock it if you haven't tried it" are generally doing so to prevent having to change their beliefs so they can continue in their idiotic notions that sexually, everyone really is the same and would realize it if only they knew their own feelings, or to retain an equally idiotic belief in universal sexual desire.

However...things get more complicated. If there some asexual person who might be able to enjoy sex in the right circumstances, and they feel that they have to have sex to know whether or not they're asexual, I can easily imagine this reinforcing their belief that they can't/don't enjoy sex. If this asexual person, to find out if they are "really asexual" decided to go and find some random person that they're not attracted to, who likely isn't going to be sympathetic to the asexual person's needs, especially if this is just some random person and a one-night-stand, that's probably not going to end up being a very positive sexual experience for them. Ironically, this sexualnormative insistence is likely to reinforce these people's (mistaken) belief that they don't/can't enjoy sex.

Moreover, there are often pressures from outsiders skeptical of asexuality who figure that everyone is sexual, that we aren't all that different (perhaps they admit difference is sexual preference as long as it isn't a preference of "no") and if they see people identifying as asexuals who do/feel some things they definitely think of sexual, they're going to assume that these so-called asexuals aren't really all that different from everybody else. Why do they keep whining and complaining? They're just trying to get attention.

So, knowing that the general public likes things to be black and white, knowing that if we appear too sexual, many will dismiss our asexuality, asexual people often present asexuality as being way more black-and-while than it really is. Again, sexualnormative dismissal of asexuality causes asexuals to hide those grey areas of their experience out of fear that these will be used to dismiss their identities and deny the validity of their experiences and feelings that led them to assume those identities. However, if that asexual person wasn't afraid of their identity being challenged, they may be more willing to share these experiences with those they feel it would be helpful to tell.

However...asexuals who can/do enjoy sex are, in a very real sense, in a different boat from other asexuals. One of the big reasons for the need of an asexual community is to help people who prefer not to have sex to be able to form the kinds of relationships that they want. Since sex is assumed to be such an important part of what is expected to be our primary social relationship, for people who do like sex, this probably isn't going to be such a big issue. Also, outsiders struggling to understand asexuality (or people new to asexuality) may well be confused why someone who likes sex is calling themself asexual. Many find asexuality in it's oversimplified forms difficult to understand. Understanding why someone who has sex and likes it would call themself asexual would likely confuse them further.

However...for people who don't experience sexual attraction or sexual desire who could enjoy sex, asexual discourse can be very helpful to them to explain things to potential sexual partners, to help that potential partner be more sympathetic and understanding of their needs, and thus, making it more likely that the asexual person could come to enjoy at least some sexual activities. In order for such people to be able to enjoy sex, models for doing so based on the experiences of people with similar levels of sexual desire (i.e. little to none) are necessary and the standard images of sexuality that tell us how incredibly horny everybody is are pretty worthless. (And these images are problems in and of themselves because a very large number of sexual people really aren't as sex-obsessed as TV and movies would have people believe, often causing sexual people to feel inadequate because of a completely unrealistic idea of "normality.")

So basically what I saying is that the chocolate cake analogy can kiss my ass. And so can any sex-therapist that deals with low sexual desire without affirming that person's experience as valid. (There actually are some sex-therapists out there with sane views of low sexual desire.)

User avatar
Olivier
Regular Member
Posts: 139
Joined: 21 Jan 2008, 08:19

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Olivier » 07 Mar 2009, 18:39

pretzelboy wrote:I've read that there are plenty of people who find some sexual act repulsive, even to think about. However, after doing it a few times, find that they can like it. The context I read this in dealt with sexual people trying out different kinds of sexual things, but the point remains valid: our imaginations are not always reliable indicators of what we will think of things. (Our imaginations don't tend to be reliable indicators of what things will be like in most situations, so I don't see why sex should be different.)

I'll second that. I'm sexual and I've come to enjoy certain sexual things that I imagined I wouldn't like after being introduced to them by my asexual partner. Go figure. Other things have met my expectations, both positive and negative, and yet other things I still find incredibly arousing in fantasy, but sort of meh in real life (damn you, laws of physics ;))

pretzelboy wrote:However...things get more complicated. If there some asexual person who might be able to enjoy sex in the right circumstances, and they feel that they have to have sex to know whether or not they're asexual, I can easily imagine this reinforcing their belief that they can't/don't enjoy sex. If this asexual person, to find out if they are "really asexual" decided to go and find some random person that they're not attracted to, who likely isn't going to be sympathetic to the asexual person's needs, especially if this is just some random person and a one-night-stand, that's probably not going to end up being a very positive sexual experience for them. Ironically, this sexualnormative insistence is likely to reinforce these people's (mistaken) belief that they don't/can't enjoy sex.

Absolutely. I imagine sexual expectations are met more often that not because expectations play a large part in determining the outcome. If you are absolutely determined that you will not enjoy a particular sexual act, then the chances of you actually having fun are slim indeed. Not zero perhaps, but close. And insanely high expectations are likely to lead to disappointment, as with anything. To maximise the chance of enjoyment, anything sexual should ideally be approached with a mindset that's comfortable, open-minded, confident enough to be assertive about what's working and what's not, and happily curious or enthusiastic. And a partner who's the same. And I don't think that has the slightest thing to do with orientation, either.

User avatar
Dargon
Mega Member
Posts: 516
Joined: 26 Jan 2008, 16:34

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Dargon » 08 Mar 2009, 09:44

Very well said pretzelboy, I couldn't have said it better.

pretzelboy wrote:However...things get more complicated. If there some asexual person who might be able to enjoy sex in the right circumstances, and they feel that they have to have sex to know whether or not they're asexual, I can easily imagine this reinforcing their belief that they can't/don't enjoy sex. If this asexual person, to find out if they are "really asexual" decided to go and find some random person that they're not attracted to, who likely isn't going to be sympathetic to the asexual person's needs, especially if this is just some random person and a one-night-stand, that's probably not going to end up being a very positive sexual experience for them. Ironically, this sexualnormative insistence is likely to reinforce these people's (mistaken) belief that they don't/can't enjoy sex.


This particular passage is something I considered, but did not bring up. It is true in pretty much all situations, and the more "extreme" for a person, the more likely it is to occur. I suppose the lack of any way to do a blind test on this means there will always be bias in sexual experiences.

I seem to recall an old thread at AVEN wherein a member said they tried masturbation to prove they didn't like sex. They did reach orgasm, but did not enjoy it. Several members who do enjoy masturbation chimed in saying that the very act of doing so to prove it was not enjoyable contributed to an unenjoyable experience. Many of them (myself inculded) tried with the express purpose of not enjoying it, and lo and behold, with the right mental state, it was indeed most unenjoyable. Of course, the member in question would hear none of that.

pretzelboy
Regular Member
Posts: 238
Joined: 21 Jan 2008, 16:15

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby pretzelboy » 09 Mar 2009, 18:12

In addition to people having sex to "prove" that they don't like it, I think this is the similar situation where people have sex just to convince themselves that they're "normal." I can easily see this as leading to bad sexual experiences, and not just for asexuals.

Lemon
New Member
Posts: 29
Joined: 13 May 2009, 21:35

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Lemon » 14 May 2009, 00:51

Dargon wrote: It may very well be the person won't like the baby steps and thus never makes it to the big event, but setting that wall at the first baby step seems a bit restrictive.


Have there been any frank discussions about what asexuals physically enjoy about sex? I'm a sexually active a-sexual and I'd like to know what works for others and am happy to share what works for me. In a sexual-sexual relationship you still have to explore what works for you both (I would imagin?) so I'd like to explore further what works for sexually active asexuals. In my previous sexual relationships I didn't enjoy anything about sex physically but in my current more loving coupling, with a bit of honesty and experimentation I have found several things that bring my physical pleasure.

ghosts wrote:I'm glad you guys have mentioned the possibility of something like a gay man enjoying sex with a woman. Why not? Unless they're so turned off by it that it probably wouldn't be enjoyable (I know some people like that). But I get the feeling it's pretty taboo to even suggest that a straight person might still be straight & yet still might be able to enjoy gay sex, or vice versa. I don't think it's invalidating their identity to suggest that it could be possible, & it also doesn't mean that they're obligated to go out & try it *ever*.


It's perfectly acceptable for two hetro people to have sex without being attracted to each other sexually, I am damn sure people do it all the time, weather for gratification, emotional reasons or physical reasons besides sexual attraction. So why wouldn't any one from any orientation be able to enjoy sex with any one else? It doesn't cloud your purity as GLBTA just expresses a willingness to enjoy something which is not entirely (or in an asexuals case at all) about sexual attraction.

I'm also not suggestions that some one who really feels no urge to try it and is happy with their sexless relationships or singledom should just that we shouldn't as asexuals or in fact from any orientation restrict ourselves because of the limits of the labels you identify with.

One of the big reasons for the need of an asexual community is to help people who prefer not to have sex to be able to form the kinds of relationships that they want.
Hear Hear! (here here? I don't know which hear/here that cheer refers too?)

User avatar
ily
Regular Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 24 Jan 2008, 16:55

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ily » 14 May 2009, 08:20

Lemon wrote:
Have there been any frank discussions about what asexuals physically enjoy about sex?


Not that I know of. Time for a new thread! We always could use them...

User avatar
ghosts
Regular Member
Posts: 188
Joined: 05 Jan 2008, 06:59

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby ghosts » 15 May 2009, 04:26

Lemon wrote:
Dargon wrote: It may very well be the person won't like the baby steps and thus never makes it to the big event, but setting that wall at the first baby step seems a bit restrictive.


Have there been any frank discussions about what asexuals physically enjoy about sex? I'm a sexually active a-sexual and I'd like to know what works for others and am happy to share what works for me. In a sexual-sexual relationship you still have to explore what works for you both (I would imagin?) so I'd like to explore further what works for sexually active asexuals. In my previous sexual relationships I didn't enjoy anything about sex physically but in my current more loving coupling, with a bit of honesty and experimentation I have found several things that bring my physical pleasure.

I'd be down for having a discussion like this! Feel free to start it if you want.

Lemon wrote:I'm also not suggestions that some one who really feels no urge to try it and is happy with their sexless relationships or singledom should just that we shouldn't as asexuals or in fact from any orientation restrict ourselves because of the limits of the labels you identify with.

Absolutely!

Lemon
New Member
Posts: 29
Joined: 13 May 2009, 21:35

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Lemon » 20 May 2009, 10:52

ghosts wrote:I'd be down for having a discussion like this! Feel free to start it if you want.
Ok, I will get the ball rolling with it when I next have a moment.

Clarity
New Member
Posts: 29
Joined: 19 Aug 2009, 05:29

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Clarity » 21 Aug 2009, 10:33

Instead of the long side notes about how we're not suggesting someone who doesn't want to have sex should try it just to see or to prove something, couldn't we say:

"It's never good to have sex just because of social pressures or just to prove something."

?

And I think another main point in this thread:

"Sexual attraction can add enjoyment to sexual acts, but is not necessary and is not a perfect predictor."

As someone who has been unable to bear being touched when aroused, I can attest that even if you *think* you'll enjoy something sexually, you can be wrong for any number of reasons.

And AVENistas really ought to know about responsive desire, and that partnered sexual stimulation can be pleasant without sexual attraction for the same reason that masturbation can be pleasant for asexuals.

I think the normal anti-asexual message that many asexuals receive is that being non-sexual is so undesirable, either because it means you don't conform to a (perceived as) universally accepted social value, or because sex is just so friggin' awesome that you're seriously missing out! so if you could possibly ever enjoy having sex, you ought to make it a major goal in your life to go get it!--and in the process either disprove or prove your asexuality. This pressure comes mainly from statements that sexual-normative people haven't thought through. They say them because they're uncomfortable with the person's asexual identity--either they don't realize it's an identity and see it as some sort of disability, or they don't like the idea of asexuality. But they never meant to imply that, and they don't understand that even if someone may change how they see their own sexuality after ending up in a loving romantic and perhaps sexual relationship, they still need an identity now and in the many months or years--or lifetime--that may go on without that happening. And when someone comes out as asexual--or whatever they are--they're expressing the current identity that gives them emotional sustenance and social guidance, so undercutting that by saying it may change is often unwanted.

But I think that this site is awesome for creating a view of sexual variation that attempts to fully encompass and embrace all the gray areas of sexuality. ;)

Lemon
New Member
Posts: 29
Joined: 13 May 2009, 21:35

Re: Don't knock it til you try it!

Postby Lemon » 26 Aug 2009, 00:29

I think hetrosexual people are a massive social group and even being 'normal' completely over generalises hetrosexuality so perhaps we are not the only ones feeling the pressure? Sexuality, even 'normal' hetrosexuality comes in all shapes, sizes, fetishes and quirks, I have friends who like to be smothered in food or spanked or be caught in the act by strangers (poor strangers!). Have a look at this sex-positive advice column for hundreds examples of the diversity of sexual-normative people (along with some not so normative people being even more weird) http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Sava ... id=2120079 a homosexual is only less 'normal' than a hetrosexual if the hetrosexual doesn't get off on people in swimming caps :P

It's possible that the conformist pressure on 'normal' sexuality causes sexual people to be a bit insensitive with their reactions/opinions though their own insecurity. I have had some telling remarks from obviously insecure people such as after explaining carefully that I do have and enjoy sex but have a very low sex drive got the response 'it must be because your shit in bed' which clearly says more about their own insecurities than my situation.

It's up to us individually to know what we want and present it confidently to those around us. If you are comfortable with your self people are much less likely to say stupid things, social conformity in action.


Return to “Asexuality”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests